Monday, October 18, 2010
It's 9.45 pm.
I tried to run my worries away and I've been sittin on the edge of the bed,in my gym clothes, the past hour, staring at the chipped polish on my nails, thinking two things:
One, I have really let myself go
Two, A sign that I've lived?
Too busy to notice that my nails look like crap. I never really know how to feel about myself when I'm busy. Always battling with myself about everything these days. Busy means that I am being productive right? Getting shit done? but whenever I'm busy I don't have the energy to teach my son how to perfect that magic trick, dwell in my boyfriends love and..... get a fucking manicure!
"You're on your way to the top, of course it's going to be hardwork"
It's so cliche. I never know how to feel about advice anymore. When you have hit the bottom face first, as many times as I have, I often anticipate the fall just as much as the motivation to get back up.
I do believe in myself but I get sick of life. I'm being defensive. Scratch that.
Life isn't to blame. I am. I let past experiences cast shadows that have wrapped their fingers around my throat. Fuck, there I go again. Too hard on myself. Lol.
All we really have is ourself. We should be our own bestfriend. Take care of our feelings. Protect our selves from being less than what we really are. I wish I could take myself in my own arms and just hold me. Noone knows me better than I do. Noone knows my heart or has spent as much time with me, than myself. From beginning to end, through thick and thin, It has always been me. I forget that. I need to spend time with my son, I need to feel the warmth and love of my partner and I need to tidy my fucking nails! haha.
The moral of this post is...
Be good to yourself. Take care of your heart and soul. Stay true to the best that is in you. Remember that you are never really alone and you never have been...
Posted by Ashliee_Martian at 9:45 PM